evensong

to whom do I address

my terms of surrender

you, beloved 

or the lover you chose

instead

to whom do I send 

detailed instructions 

you, on how to forget me

or her, on how to love you

to whom do I compose 

verses of song

her, hymns to the victor

or you

always you

in chanted vigil 

in keeping up your

vespers

jihad at target

I wage a holy war

losing time under fluorescent

lights harsh tagchew threadscream

in the intimates aisle

polyester panties and wanting to die

I am already naked

feral dripping

warmud bloodspit battlesweat

standing here

hand grip

cart push

wild

and half dead

in civilization crumble clearance section

and this time martyrdom is

pulse and blink is witness

staying alive in captivity

this time jihad of a sword swallowed

firebelly in the self-checkout

ancient beast buying bras with security tags

smoldering guerilla and

out into the parking lot

fight another day

surrounded

to the man who said he stopped seeing me because he didn’t want to be “surrounded by transgenders”

I am going to please my new lover so goddamn well I will pleasure her and protect her and make her dick hard and her laughter soft and we will be beautiful and free and they will never understand and we will sweat and moan and sing and everything will be praise

and everything will be

and everything 

forgiving a fuckboy

I see him

now

child on a dusty road 

runsome distance away

skittish eyes burning nose running

probably

crying for a long time but done

now

kicking at some rocks

or a can

swinging his arms

unsure what to do next 

unheld and wandersome

unaware

it was safe for him to come home

now

'Ishq

knees bear witness countless

hours knelt

tearing diligence

weeds ripped prayerful

discipline lest

tender or nourish

be choked out

knees agree with hands

hands with memory dirtlined

muscle wisdom 

sensation of each weed some

deep rooted others quickened some

prickly few fragrant

and then the vines

oh hands know the vines

weeds that pull back

laced and locked

plant of lovers

oh hands know the vines

how strange, then

earlier tonight

to be the gardener tearing

and the vine torn

I resist ferocious

clinging to the

sacred silent thing

between us

but I see you

and leave 

without saying

goodbye

ALL

some religions have this idea of eternal marriage your spouse on earth is also your spouse in heaven and you only get one divorce would ruin the whole thing because who would you be with in heaven it wouldn't work i find this achingly stupid god is the source of all love if you return to god you return to all the love you have ever known every friend and kin every blade of grass to ever brush your skin every berry plucked from a bush every lover every laugh shared with a stranger every small act of kindness why would there be any division why would there be any limit earthly contracts are such a pale comparison to the true union that awaits god is not one because of excluding the rest god is one because god is ALL

inked

god’s own dye

head to toe

bones tattooed

etched in prayer

lifeinked 

oh how they will wish 

to understand

oh how the runes

will laugh

waking up during itikaf

God is not human.

God speaks oak and mountain and rabbit as

    fluently as your tongue, or theirs.

God reaches to you in your humanness, in ways

    your human soul can understand.

You were created to respond in uniquely human

    forms - God knows our quirks.

But God is not human. God is beyond human

    understanding, and cannot be limited by

    humanness. We are not the measure.

God is Greater. God is Greatest.

You are a child of the universe.

You are on a journey home. 

Let your kinship with the world swallow you whole. 

Dissolve in the embrace. 

You were once held in a womb.

You still are, if only you knew. 

windbite

hungry windbite snaps spitsout

bones

hissing sucks marrow howling

gulping whole

and we toothstung

cheeks and

tonguelashed hands and

windfeast in winter famine

prayer for the new year

clean sheets fresh

brewed tea combed

soft hair daylight

rippled with cold

small starts

daily miracles

but inside

stretching delta of

desire

all whole all flowing

reaching ocean abandon

who is to 

say which 

salt is pleasure

which

silt is restraint

all is ecstasy and fertile

live here says

the heart

on every day ordinary

undaunted by

yearning live here

says the heart

tea served in teapot changes tea two

of cups changes alchemy of drink matching

hands around matching china patterns the

conversation differently as if to

say this ritual cannot be skipped

Banish

put me on the tongue of the woods

let it decide

pronounce or swallow

man can have no measure 

of me

veins runes in cursive

bones jigsaw riddles

eyes magpie treasure

my pleasure is the groan of river ice

men come fear-striken

and fall through 

my displeasure is wildcat scream

breeding haunted air 

so take me

to where the woods

opens its mouth let it

kiss and bite blessings into me

suck and spit curses out of me

I will become an utterance in this place

the hissing teeth of its smile 

cutting fruit at night

cutting fruit at night

bloodpooled pears

pocket knife

bruise pruning

it’s midnight on a wednesday

don’t you know 

front stoop alive with juice

slicing skin chunks thoughts 

collecting bowl between feet

she’s in one of her moods again

deciding to process the pear harvest 

before tomorrow

deciding who to be

before tomorrow 

downpour

every time it rains

the sky is pouring one out for the homies

all the dead gods

not the greek ones or whatever

the ones so old

no one remembers their names

and on the hard days

the sky cranks up the boom box

extra loud

the favorite songs

to crash and crack

open 

the clouds

geode

tenderness is a bludgeon

gentleness is the hammer

cracking open the geode

every soft gaze is a blow

again, please

aren't you aware?

just the inch of your hand

that contains your fingerprint

splits rock

revealing gems long buried

releasing water

summoning heat

your laugh -- 

already it has left

spider line splinters

all over my surface

don't stop now

ego death at pilates

it didn’t happen because of anything enlightened

I simply ceased to exist

eyes locked with the body in the mirror

I realized I am not

and dissolved from within my polyester leggings

the idea of being a separate entity?

absurd.

take me back. 

grandmother's mirror

ever since I was a little girl

I never liked the way I looked

in my grandmother's mirror

no matter what the angle

unflattered and unfettered

me

I could never meet her gaze

until today

the first visit just

grandmother and I

after grandfather's passing

we make eye contact

reflection & I, we

hold steady the gaze

we are different people

now

reflection & I, we

hold the hands of ache and age

not the other way

around

and the mirror speaks it

back and forth

a woman who meets her own gaze

a woman who meets the gaze of life 

when you are thrown from

the frying pan into the fire

there is a moment

where you are simply

in the air

I dreamt about you for the first time

last night

oh love

but you slipped away

when I woke up

won't you tell me what I dreamt?

oh love?

tell me - was it your eyes?

or your smile?

or some way you know

how to touch me

that I don't yet know?

oh love

I will let you slip away

every waking

if it means

I get to hear you

tell my dreams unto me

wide-eyed in morning light

I will believe every word

oh love

keeper

I keep a goldfish

and feed him memories

he swims in his bowl

vodka not water

and glows with life

when I tell his memories unto him

we are not so different 

those who keep my memories will keep me

when I am released

and swimming in the beyond

but unlike a bowl of vodka

there is no drowning in the beyond

and all bowls empty into the ocean

not the other way around

the one memory I cannot seem to keep

for my goldfish

no matter the feeding

no matter the telling

he can leave his bowl

any time